Self-Compassion for New Mums who want to be kinder to themselves
I am writing this for any new mum who is struggling with constant thoughts that they aren’t good enough as they are. For any new mum who feels like a failure and that what they are doing could and should be better. For any new mum who feels like they need to change who they are or what they look like to be ok and acceptable. For any new mum whose inner voice is often critical and can make them feel worthless and depleted of energy. We are in this together and we all deserve self-compassion.
According to Dr Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, self-compassion means treating yourself as you would a close friend when you are having a difficult time, notice something you don’t like about yourself or fail, rather than being self-critical. She describes how ‘instead of ignoring your pain, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?’
My Story
Whilst it is easy for me to write about self-compassion, I am a recovering self-critic so putting it in to practice has been much harder. I started practicing self-compassion in 2019 and throughout my pregnancy when I went to therapy in the hope that I could start to improve the way I talked to myself. At that point I was exhausted of feeling like I wasn’t good enough and measuring my self-worth by my achievements.
It felt completely new to be kind and understanding when I noticed something I didn’t like about myself or was struggling. I made some good progress during that time but I found it difficult to maintain when I became a mum in 2020 during the first UK lockdown.
At the end of my pregnancy I became very unwell due to severe Pre-eclampsia which resulted in a traumatic labour and emergency c-section. Whilst I was extremely grateful for having a healthy baby and the privilege of excellent medical care, I struggled emotionally, mentally and physically during those first months of being a new mum. On top of the challenges of being a new mum in the pandemic, my inner battles meant that I was extremely stressed and anxious, my self-critic was out of control and I was constantly doubting myself.
I knew that what I most needed was to be kind and caring to myself. I couldn’t do it on my own, so I asked for help. I spoke to my doctor and started therapy again to work on the trauma I had experienced and to re-build my inner self-compassionate voice. Therapy was very challenging at times but helped me to feel much more at ease. It also helped me to see that I deserve self-compassion and to actively practice it.
How Self-Compassion helps
Self-compassion might simply sound like a nice thing to do. For me, practicing self-compassion is key to supporting my mental health and research shows that the way we talk to ourselves has a direct impact on our mind and body.
Kristin Neff’s research has found that self-compassionate people are much more likely to be happy, resilient and optimistic about the future and much less likely to experience depression, anxiety and stress. Along with Dr. Christopher Germer, another leading researcher in self-compassion, they explain that when we criticise or attack ourselves, we threaten our self-concept and activate our body’s inbuilt ‘fight, flight, freeze’ stress response. We therefore fight ourselves (self-criticise further), flee from others (isolate from others), or freeze (ruminate). This results in stress on both our mind and body which can cause anxiety and depression over time. In contrast, being kind and compassionate towards ourselves when things are difficult deactivates the threat system and instead activates our inbuilt care system. This results in oxytocin and endorphins being released which makes us feel safe and secure and helps to reduce stress.
How to practice
Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as having three components which are important to understand in order to put it in to practice.
1. Self-kindness: Being warm and caring to yourself rather than self-critical when you are suffering in some way, such as feeling inadequate.
2. Common Humanity: Recognising that we all suffer, fail, are imperfect and make mistakes. It is knowing that we are not alone in our experiences and helps to give perspective on our difficulties and shortcomings.
3. Mindfulness: Allowing ourselves to observe and experience our painful thoughts and emotions so we can respond with compassion rather than ignoring or obsessing about the things we dislike about ourselves or our lives.
An Example
Self-compassion can be practiced in response to any situation that you find difficult. Below is an example of how I recently applied this to my own situation where I was struggling with difficult thoughts whilst in lockdown with my baby.
1. Mindfulness (Noticing my thoughts and emotions)
My thoughts: I am not doing a good job of being a mum. I am struggling to find things to do to entertain my baby. Other mums seem to be doing so much more.
My feelings: I feel guilty, tired and inadequate. In my body this appears as a tight sensation in my chest and a general heavy feeling.
2. Self-kindness (Responding as I would a close friend)
I know this is hard right now. I know this hurts and it is ok to feel this way. You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. You are doing so much better than you think.
3. Common Humanity (Remembering that our experiences are shared)
You are not alone in this. Other mums feel the same as you. Ups and downs are normal and to be expected. This will pass.
4. What do I need right now? (This helps to identify my best next step)
I need to call a friend and share how I have been feeling. (This could be anything that feels supportive and kind to you in that moment. Some of mine are to sit quietly with a cup of coffee when my baby is asleep, to go for a walk or do some yoga).
How to Find out More
In my coaching work I have a particular interest in self-worth, self-compassion and helping people to be kinder to themselves whilst they work towards their personal or career goals. One of my favourite quotes is by Carl Rogers; ‘The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change’. I am passionate about this subject as I have personal experience of how self-criticism can impact mental health.
I have 13 years of HR experience in both creative and corporate industries, working for businesses such as Channel 5 and Dentsu Aegis Network. I completed my coaching training with Barefoot Coaching in 2017 after realising that the part of my job that I enjoy the most is deeply connecting with others and encouraging their development.
I am a graduate of the highly-respected Post Graduate Certificate in Business and Personal Coaching which is accredited by the University of Chester. I am also fully accredited by the ICF and have a Post Graduate Certificate in HR & Management and a BSc in Psychology and Sociology.
If you are interested in learning more about how coaching can help you or you would like to connect, then please get in touch as I love to chat to like-minded people.
Sources
Kristin Neff’s book: Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.
https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/
